ngl i haven’t been in this good of a mood in so long. i should take adderall more often.
i don’t know if i’m recovering necessarily as much as eating sometimes now. like today i had 2 pieces of french toast and then i had 3 diet pills?????????
list of all the drugs i have taken:
ngl i took adderall today and i have never got more shit done. (the bad part of this is that i stole the adderall from my 14 yr old sister’s prescription, but it was only 2 and i’m not gonna do it again)
here’s the whole story of me and lexi
we started talking because you found my pro ana tumblr and you wanted to lose weight too. we lost weight together at first, then you thought i was getting out of hand because i was throwing up 4 times a day and starving for 3 days at a time. then, YOU started cutting. and you fucking told me i caN’t ever start. i proved you wrong. we were best friends and you started to like me. you fucked everything up. you had to fucking like me. i never even thought about it until you held my hand when i was on the computer showing you stuff. i let you, because you needed someone. eventually you started talking about dating and i said fuck no. but you started getting more persuasive. the first time we cuddled was at morgan’s fucking bonfire. it was weird and i liked it. i asked you out. we were perfect in the beginning except that no one knew and it was a huge fucking secret. but you were bitter about me not telling our friends, and i was bitter about you not wanting to ever tell your fucking parents. so maybe you should’ve just shut the fuck up. we told everyone at anna’s party. most people were excited. my mom found out because my sister heard us making out. you wouldn’t fucking tell your parents. you pressured me to have sex and so i did. i thought i loved you and you fucking pressured me. you didn’t love me you loved the idea of someone you could date. we eventually (after like 5 months) stopped being cute at all and the only thing we did when we hung out was fuck and then you would sleep until i left. for like 4 months that’s all we did. you started blaming me for everything and getting mad at me for things i wasn’t even involved in like your parents being stupid as fuck about your disorders. that wasn’t my fault and that wasn’t right of you. when i went to treatment was when i started to want to break up. i needed time to focus on myself and you called the treatment center all too often to contact me. i didn’t want to talk i wanted to get better. when i got out of treatment you started trying pda. i don’t fucking like pda. if you can’t fucking not touch me while we’re in public, you don’t fucking deserve to touch me in private. i don’t like being affectionate in public. i don’t care if other couples do it. but no i will not hold your hand while we walk everywhere, and no i will not kiss you. especially if you were a girl and i wasn’t ready to be out of the fucking closet and you still didn’t even tell your fucking parents. for our one year, we did nothing. for our one year, one month, we did nothing. i broke up with you after that. it was smart of me because you were sucking the life out me. you made me stay up late most night to talk you out of suicide, i dont’ really think you were ever going to do it, i think you were bluffing to get my attention, but i didn’t want to give you attention anymore. you told me that if we broke up, you were killing yourself. that’s not o-fucking-k. you don’t do that to someone. you’re still alive so thanks for trying to hold me hostage. you tried to make me stop hanging out with my friends. they were into drugs and so was i. you didn’t like that. but when we hung out after we broke up, you smoked weed with me. twice. i would never do it with you again. i don’t really want to ever be friends in person again. i don’t think that’s good for us. i tried my best with you, i really did. and you used me for sex and a hand to hold and a shoulder to cry on. not for love. you didn’t love me. that is what happened.
i don’t know how long ago we met
it was some time before 2012
when i was lonely
and you were alone
sometimes i hate tumblr because i don’t have 40k followers who praise me but sometimes i like that 99% of my posts gets 0 notes because then i know most likely no one’s reading them so yay i can say what i want